Happy Birthday To Me.
This is the third morning I've been awoken at around 5am and I’ve finally taken the hint and just started writing. I use to know this about a year ago, when this would happen I just need to get pen to page and write…
The lead up to today was rough. The past little while have been so up and down, the emotional roller coaster was having everyone wanting to get off, me being the first. Yet, I sit here, third morning in a row I’ve been woken up at 5am or so and see that I have to write. My Saturn return has come to an end and I weathered a rough storm. At least now, it’s a light drizzle with cloud breakage and hints of blue sky can even be seen.
The spiritual journey that started about 10 years ago has taken the next major revelation up to that next turn of that spiral we call life. It did it with me kicking and screaming though. Because, for the last 10 years I was formulating who I am , what I’m made of, experiences that made me into the women I am today.
Korea, heart-break, alcohol, travel, japan, university, weed, boyfriends, birthdays, interviews, nature, poetry, god, love, hate, battle, strength, body, retreats, solace, travel, work, seeking, BC, growth, regression, loneliness, aloneness, found, performing, meditating, crying, writing, joy above all else and glimmers of peace spread through out. I know who I am. It was a comfortable place. I did so much self work. From books, too seminars, too ‘sessions’ and shamans…always trying to be that ‘best version of myself’.
Really, I just wanted to break negative behavioural patterns that I observed in myself. Now I know better. Now I know, now I know some of them ‘negative’ behaviours were pushing me to keep going on my journey until I know longer needed to have ‘that experience’ and am able to let it go. I referring to my tendency to run away when the going gets tough. I definitely am not the only one that had this tendency. But it served me, believe me. It first started when I wanted to leave for South Korea in a hasty fashion. Did I rush the decision? Absolutely. Could the experience have been better ? (in terms of working conditions and stuff) 100%. But my heart was broken and I felt out-casted and abandoned by my family. Painful truths came flooding back, the dam that kept my psyche safe all these years, blocking memories out had broke.
A higher power entered my life months before I left for SK and I leaned on it for strength when I made the decision to leave. I still remember sitting in the living of my parent’s house, crying my eyes out, begging them to let me go and teach English abroad in South Korea.
My mom so scared for her daughter, my dad seeing me ‘throw’ my future away sat and cried with me knowing I was going to go. Maybe part of them felt like they were losing their daughter. Regardless, in South Korea was the first time my dad ever told me he was proud of me. 22 years I waited. That’s all I wanted. It was worth the hellishly beautiful time I had in South Korea.
So, as my Saturn has fully come back and starts another 29-31 year cycle, I’m left again pondering, who am I? but this time, I’m not running to any other place but inside myself to find those answers. The truth is, at my core all I am is spirit, my essence, I know it well. But would life be as fun if we never forgot who we were, just to find ourselves over and over and over and over again?
God, I laugh with slight tears of joy rolling down my face and I smile because everything is for the fun of it and there is no point in taking life so seriously.
Happy Birthday to me and may all my wishes and dreams come true.
~ Rajie